When I did my research for my master’s degree (psychology) thesis I focused on ‘expectations’ in marriage.  Over the years in ministry, I have had lots of opportunity to provide premarital and marital counselling as well as lectures on the subject at the RTC.  The key to marriage, of course, is that the couple love each other.  But what do we expect from that love?  How do we define ‘love’?  This is important.  As one person wrote ‘The very essence of life is the need to feel loved and give love; without love life is without rationale whatsoever’.  Mother Teresa once noted, ‘The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread’.  To help define love in premarital sessions I would read 1Corinthians 13:4-6 “Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” I would ask the couple ‘How many emotions are listed there?’ Invariably they would start counting and come up with various answers.  Then I would say, ‘There are no emotions listed here.  They are all attitudes.’  Love, as the Bible understands it, is not just an emotion, it involves an attitude, a deep commitment to cherish and nurture the other person.  That is why Jesus can command love.  You cannot command an emotion.  But you can command an attitude, a deep commitment.  As Jesus said: (John 13:13&14) “A new commandment I give unto you.  Love one another.  As I have loved you so you must love one another.  All people will know that you are my disciples if you love one another.”

Now notice what Jesus says there.  We display Jesus by loving as he did.  We reveal the character of Jesus through love.  Previously we thought about the ‘fruit of the Spirit’: ‘…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.’  We said the fruit of the Spirit is the Spirit’s character, God’s character.  In fact, the Bible says, ‘God is love’.  It is very significant in this list, that ‘love’ is mentioned first.  Love is not just one of the nine characteristics.  It is the greatest of the fruit, 1Corinthians 13 ‘The greatest is love’.  As someone said, ‘Love is the highest characteristic of God, the one attribute in which all others harmoniously blend.’  The Apostle Paul agrees ‘...over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.’  It is love that drives us to be gentle and kind, peaceable and self-controlled.  The Apostle Paul writes, ‘…Christ’s love compels us…!’  It is deep love that compels a mother to jump into a raging flash flood to save her child.  It is the deep love Jesus has for us that compels us to love our neighbours.  It is love that drives us to behave with the fruit of the Spirit to attract them to the gospel.  Evangelism is not just about numbers in church.  It’s about deep compassion for others that compels us, that drives our behaviour.  John wrote, “For God so loved the world he gave his only Son…!”  What a love God must have for us, how deep it must be, if God gave up whom he treasured the most to have us as his children.  In our world, so broken and torn apart by war and suffering, we may wonder if God loves his world.  But as we look back at the cross and see Jesus’ suffering, we know at what cost God has shown his love for us.  In Jesus is personified the love of God.  When we see Jesus, we know what God is like.  We see so clearly how gracious and giving is his love.

Now it’s up to us to share God’s love.  John writes in his letter (1John 4:11&12), “Dear friends, since God so love us, we also ought to love one another.  No one has ever seen God; but if we love each other God lives in us, and his love is made complete in us.”  No wonder love is the first fruit of the Spirit.  If we are not truly loving no one will know what God’s love is like.  In fact, John says something very bold here: “God’s love is made complete in us.”  The love of God, which originates in himself, was revealed in Jesus as he died in our place, is made complete, it is perfected, in us his people.  God’s love is only fully completed when we truly love each other as God’s people.  When we love and care for each other it’s God’s love we are sharing.  When we reach out into our communities with love, it’s God’s character we are revealing.  This is the wonder of this first fruit of the Spirit, ‘love’.  It is the driver of everything.  It is deeply attractive to a world that looks for hope.

Leo Douma